I’m in a down feeling mood, again, and I don’t really know what to do about it anymore. I don’t even know the main reason I feel so rough. Well, I mean, I generally know. I feel like I don’t have people around me that I can talk to about things because everyone I feel like talking to I just get the feeling I’m annoying. Like, they’re thinking ‘oh my god, not her again, doesn’t she get how to just be happy?’ I know that they’re probably not thinking that at all but my brain doesn’t want to let me believe it. It just wants to tell me that I’m annoying everyone. I guess it’s not helping that I’m always usually the one who contacts others to talk. I’m the one to initiate conversations. What is so wrong with me that no one wants to talk to me first?

I kind of feel like if I just stopped initating conversations with people I probably wouldn’t be talking to anyone. I’d end up keeping myself company over and over again. Does that mean that I just don’t have good friends or is it just that I’m someone people only ever want to talk to when they’re down as opposed to also when they’re happy? Am I only ever an odd thought that crosses someone’s mind, ‘oh, you know who I haven’t seen or spoken to in a while?’ I know that I’m flaky, I know that I can go hyper crazy and I know people find it weird when I go from that mood to suddenly being super quiet but what I don’t understand is why no one then tries to get to me after that. Does anyone stop to think that their might actually be something wrong?

Last week was really good, being able to see everyone again but once more, it was down to me to organise everything. Like meeting up wasn’t something they’d ever suggest. And then one day I was sitting there when five of us got together and they were all talking about things that no one had even spoken to me about. Is it just that because we’re all at Uni, it’s out of sight, out of mind? Am I just not a memorable person? Or someone whom they think they can have a decent chat with? Or am I just being a stupid paranoid person?

Of course, I’ll never know the answer, all I know is that I feel amazingly lonely. Not even because I just don’t have a boyfriend but because right now it feels like I just have no one. Not one friend I can turn to about these thoughts or anything else that’s going on in my mind right now. I’ve never been one to really tell people how I’m doing anyway, I prefer the whole ‘bottling up’ scenario probably because the one person I did tell everything to, I somehow ended up betraying and then despite everything he knew about me and how it was wholy out-of-character, he just never ever spoke to me again. Is it through situations like this, feelings of betrayal and heartbreak that leave me never getting that attached to people anymore which in a sense means I’m not letting them in so much so that they stop trying?

Reading over this makes me think I need to go to a therapist but it’s just not something I can do. All I really want is to know that there is someone, somewhere, thinking about me right now. But I just doubt it.

Ugh.

I am finally back in my Uni town after the busiest and amazingly stressful week at home. My head kinda feels like it’s going to explode, I am just that tired! I mean, it was good to see all of my friends one last time before Uni fully starts up again but doing it all in one week was just tiring!

And now I get to face the idea that tomorrow I have work, a nice nine hours standing on my feet stacking shelfs and dealing with annoying customers and stupid bosses. Oh the joys of the my life, eh?

I can not wait until sunday for I have NO plans. Actually, that’s a lie, I have one plan and that is to do absolutely nothing. I plan to sit around watching movies and just chillaxing! I need to build up some energy for the fact that I’ll be going back home again sometime real soon to pick up my car which still wasn’t completely fixed by today so I had to get the coach home. Oh yes, my life, it’s just full of awesome!

This is about all I have to blog tonight, I am totally shattered {if you hadn’t guessed} so I’m cutting this short so I can stick in a movie, curl up in bed and prepare for work tomorrow. Ciao guys!

I’m still not one hundred percent sure how I actually feel about going home.

I guss in a way I am actually happy about it. I think I need a break of scenery from this place since it’s kinda hard to be staring at loved up couples all of the time when I am single and alone but on the other side of things it’s home. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I love my mum and my sisters to pieces but they can get to be a bit much really quickly! I just hope that ‘really quickly’ doesn’t mean a week.

I’m also a bit ‘blah’ about going home because yes I get to go and see my friends there but it always feels so strained when I get there. A lot of people I used to know just don’t care to see me anymore and it’s kind of upsetting. I kind of feel like home is now just a place where my family is and that’s it. It’s not ‘home is where the heart is’ for me. You know?

Luckily I’ve managed to fill up my week so full though that there will be no time for my ex to try and wriggle his way in and there won’t be enough time with my mother for her to start annoying me beyond belief. I think with these things going on then my time shouldn’t be so bad at all. My fingers are just majorly crossed that I’ll be driving home and not coaching back. Cross your fingers with me, will ya?

My day has actually been an alright one today :) Which I am happy about! Nothing majorly exciting nor majorly depressing happened but I did get all of the errands I needed to do done and I swam 40 lengths {25m each} in 35 minutes which made me very happy :)

I also bought two new books that I shouldn’t have but one was a Celia Ahern book and I couldn’t resist buying one of fav author’s new books! :D

Now my day is to finish by doing a little bit of studying, having my dinner cooked for me and then probably a late-night movie before going to sleep early {if I can!} as I have work tomorrow!

Woop Woop.

I love you my followers :)

In my mind, at any rate.

I wish I was. But today just seems to be one of those days where I just can’t pull myself up, I can’t get good thoughts to enter into my brain and it’s starting to annoy me now. I’m feeling lonely, mostly but I’m also just feeling deflated. I kind of feel like I should just crawl under my covers and just stay there until the morning when I can wake up and hope that this dreary emotional state of mine has just disappeared.

Right now it’s making me question friends and friendships and this is never a good territory to be in. I know that my friends love me and that I love them and that we are good but I find it hard to remember that when I’m in the state I’m in. I guess what I really just need is someone to just come and give me a cuddle, or someone who can talk to me or just something. At the moment my housemate is here but so is her boyfriend whom I have nothing against and think is a great guy but when I feel as shit as I do right now, the last thing I want to be around is a happy couple.

I think, instead of having someone to talk to I’m just going to stick my head into a book and hope that the feeling that’s envelopes me just disappears because I don’t want to feel like this anymore. I’m sure that I’m probably just tired because I haven’t done anything today but there we go. Until there is something for me to actually do I’m going to go away and just try and get this mood out of me. Uggggh.

Sorry for the rant followers! <3

I went and saw this film yesterday and I have to say that I really enjoyed it :)

There were bits that could have been done better, etc, but all in all I did enjoy the film and think it was pretty epic. It made me laugh and smile and I just enjoyed the style of it immensely!

I just wish that Michael Cera would start to truly capture his talent in his films instead of continually selling out to being the same wimpish guy he is in every film! I’ve seen him be more than that {even if it was for only an alter ego in Youth In Revolt} but it showed that he can do it, so I personally think he just should!

If you haven’t yet seen this film, I’d recommend seeing it BUT it’d probably only be your thing if you enjoy comic books and games and films. I went with five other people and only one other person came out of the cinema stating he thought it was a good film too. It’s definitely one that’s up in the air! :D

I just bought Jimmy Eat World tickets!!!

Which automatically brings a huge grin to my face!

Yesterday I was told they were sold out but the box office lady took my name, number and how many I tickets I wanted and said she’d ring if there were any cancellations and this morning I get a call to say there was one!! So now I’M GOING TO SEE JIMMY EAT WORLD!!!!

-dances like a five year old-

hells to the yes baby!!

COFFEE AND TEA FOR EVERYONE!